Pet Rules
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout
height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years --canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their childre
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I like the note stuck on the front door bit, might just copy that!!
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids
There’s Many A Slip ‘Twixt The Cup And The Lip
