"madhatter's Joke Of The Day"

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

A Blonde is Overweight
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Very good! Laughed out loud at this!

[Anichka54]

Sex in the dark.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent pig," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Anichka54]

Winter Forecast


It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or
mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught
the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does
it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like
it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

[bjt1964]

nice one anichka

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

Loved the firewood joke An!

Last one from me tonight on health advice...

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

Night, Night,

Alison

PS I am veggie LOL!

[Anichka54]

Loved the firewood joke An!

Last one from me tonight on health advice...

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

Night, Night,

Alison

PS I am veggie LOL!

I'm also a veggie but still thought they were funny lol.

[bjt1964]

you are on from tonite Ikea

[Anichka54]

Ok, i know this is old but i still like it.



A blonde goes to the Doctor & tells him she's broken every part of her body, the Doctor is a little mystified as she walked in ok, he told her that it was impossible but she said it was true, the Doctor said 'ok, show me where it hurts' she touched her ankle & screamed in agony, then her knee, she screamed again, finally she touched her elbow, when she stopped screaming, the Doctor said 'You've broken your finger'

[madhatter1]

I have a terrible job eating





it all falls on the floor as soon as i eat it

[madhatter1]

Ok, i know this is old but i still like it.



A blonde goes to the Doctor & tells him she's broken every part of her body, the Doctor is a little mystified as she walked in ok, he told her that it was impossible but she said it was true, the Doctor said 'ok, show me where it hurts' she touched her ankle & screamed in agony, then her knee, she screamed again, finally she touched her elbow, when she stopped screaming, the Doctor said 'You've broken your finger'

Old but effectiveLOL

OK OK veggie recipes coming up (you know where)