End of season jokes

[Stu_Millard]

Don't take offense, everyone gets abused equally here.....

A few jokes to mark the end of the season!!!!!!!!
Chelsea
Unconfirmed reports from Stamford Bridge say that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the week, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"!

Manchester United
Apparently, they've found Bin Laden, hiding in the Manchester United trophy room. He said it reminded him of his cave in Afghanistan; Large, dark, empty... and just been taken over by Americans.

Liverpool
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they not mistaken for a Liverpudlian woman.

Arsenal
The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Tottenham
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Spurs strip? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Blackburn Rovers
Blackburn Rovers FC is apparently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion; they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 20 years.

Newcastle United
Q: What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Toon fans in one room?
A: A full set of teeth!

Bolton Wanderers
Q: What's the difference between a Bolton fan and a Chimp?
A: Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a chimpanzee.

Millwall
The Millwall supporter walks past a shop window and notices a video for sale entitled "Millwall - The Golden Years" The supporter asks the shopkeeper "How much for the video mate ?" The shopkeeper replies "£200." "£200 for a video ?" says the fan, 'You're having a laugh.'"Oh no" the shopkeeper replies "The video's only a fiver, but the Betamax player will cost you £195"

Wigan
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wigan?
A: A leisure centre.

Everton
Q: What's the similarity between Everton and a 3-pin plug?
A: They're both useless in Europe.

Fulham
London Underground have decided to start sponsoring Fulham. LUL think they are a suitable team because of their regular point's failures.

Charlton Athletic
Q: Why does NASA send their astronauts to train at The Valley?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

Middlesbrough
Q: Why should you not allow Middlesbrough fans a coffee break at work?
A: Because it takes too long to retrain them.

Manchester City
Q: How can you tell when Man City are losing?
A: It's five past three.

Aston Villa
What have General Pinochet and AVFC got in common?
They both round people up into football stadiums and torture them!

Portsmouth
Q: What's the difference between a Pompey fan and a Walrus?
A: Ones fat, greasy and smells of fish - the others a Walrus.

Birmingham City
Birmingham City LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the Premier League, as worn by the players) £0:99p each

WBA
Q: Why does Bryan Robson keep visiting Argos?
A: Because that is the only way he can pick up any Premier points!

Sunderland
Q. What's the difference between the Black cat keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

The New boys

Reading
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Reading fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

Sheffield Utd
Q: What do you get when you cross a Blades Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Leeds Utd
Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.

Watford
I'm sorry no joke here because any team which sings "are you watching Luton Town" doesn't need the p*** taking out of them anymore.

Abroard

Real Madrid

David Beckham had a near death experience the other day when he went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but
was thrown off. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's manager came out and unplugged it.

Beckham is worth two jokes

David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

[Anichka54]

Very good, especially the last 2.

[shabbird]

brilliant LOL

[betsyboo]

FUNNY FOOTBALL JOKES


> >Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest
> >stamps?
> >A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk
> >couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
> >
> >Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
> >A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at anfield
> >
> >Rafa, Alex Ferguson and a boyscout were all on a chartered flight when an
> >announcement was made that the plain was about to crash. The pilot
> >announced there was three parrachutes between 4 of them but he would be
> >taking one and of he jumped. Ferguson proclaimed I should definately have
> >one as I am one of the most successfull Managers and would be sadly missed
> >if anything should happen and just grabbed it put it on and jumped out.
> >Rafa turned to the boyscout and said u take the last one as I have had a
> >long and successfull life winning the spainish league and champions league
> >and have built a team that will win the premiership next year in my honour
> >and u r so young u have ur whole life infront of you. The boyscout looked
> >upp at him with a big smile and said thanks Rafa, but why dont we both take
> >one as Ferguson grabbed my Rucksack by mistake the dossie git.
> >
> >You are a freelance cameraman, Manchester is hit by flash floods and you
> >are there recording pictures of the scene.. you suddenly notice the Neville
> >brothers floating by on the Manchester Ship Canal and they are drowning in
> >their car.. you as a true LFC fan however have an opportunity to become a
> >hero and save their lives as you are the only person their who can throw
> >them a life line... what is your moral dilema...??? Do you take moving
> >pictures or just stills as you watch them float away..!!
> >
> >Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
> >A: A Problem.
> >
> >Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
> >A: An even bigger problem.
> >
> >Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
> >A: Problem solved
> >
> >NEWSFLASH!osama bin laden has been found, he was found in man utd trophy
> >room when asked why he was hiding there he replied it reminds me of my cave
> >back home,its quiet its cold,its empty and the yanks have taken it over.
> >
> >A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway.
> >Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
> >"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the
> >City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
> >The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of
> >whiskey he had been saving.
> >"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we
> >should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
> >He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the
> >bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back
> >on & returns the bottle to his car.
> >"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I
> >think I'll wait til the Police get here."
> >
> >Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for
> >fans who are troubled by their current form.
> >
> >The number is:
> >0800 10 10 10.
> >
> >Calls are charged at peak rate for overseas users.
> >
> >Once again the number is:
> >0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
> >
> >What do you call a bus going over a cliff with 5 mancs in it?
> >A waste of time you could have got 70 in it...
> >
> >You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an
> >Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
> >Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.
> >
> >Goodison Park was broken into last night and the contents of the trophy
> >room were taken...... police are looking for 2 men with a blue carpet...
> >
> >Playtex are bringing out a new bra called " The Everton". It's got no
> >support and no cups
> >
> >What's the difference between a jet engine and Jose Mourinho?
> >A jet engine eventually stops whining.
> >
> >How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
> >None, they're all happy living in our shadow.
> >
> >Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first
> >one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"
> >God Replies, "In the next five years."
> >"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
> >The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Liverpool next win the league ?"
> >The Good Lord - answers, "In the next five years."
> >"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
> >The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will chelsea win the champions League?".
> >God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
> >
> >*****and for the best one****
> >
> >At a recent Liverpool v Everton derby, Rafa Benitez goes into the Liverpool
> >changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
> >
> >"What's up?" he asks.
> >
> >"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's
> >important but it's only Everton but we can't be bothered, we always beat
> >them". Rafa looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by
> >myself, you lads go down the pub."
> >
> >So Rafa goes out to play the reds by himself and the rest of the Liverpool
> >team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is
> >going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up
> >as the screen reads "Liverpool 1 - Everton 0 (Benitez 10 minutes)". He is
> >beating the Everton all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the
> >game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's
> >see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Anfield
> >"Liverpool 1 (Benitez 10 minutes) - Everton 1 (Cahill 89 minutes)".
> >They can't believe it, he has single handily got a draw!! They rush back to
> >Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in
> >his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've
> >let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw, all by
> >yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
> >"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"