Marie
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Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was “woman’s work.”
One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.
It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full- time job.
The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her friends in the office. “How did it work out?” they asked.
“Well, it was a great dinner,” Mary said. “Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.”
“But what about afterward?” her friends wanted to know.
“Oh, that part didn’t work out,” Mary said. “He fell asleep in the laundry room.”
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:
The woman kept in her wardrobe a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and £95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the …”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road …”
“Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.
“Proceed,” the judge told the witness.
“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”
I think I'll put it on my front door, so all visitors are warned
A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbours to pick them up.
The neighbours arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbours to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
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"If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2."
Recording on an Australian tax help line.
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