Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and
her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a
crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit
more challenging.

"It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil
had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

[bringinitback4less]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?


An inVESTiGATOR

[RatDog]

Work Quotes

Quote from a recent meeting: 'We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done'.

Quote from the Boss... 'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you.'

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: 'We passed over a lot of good people to
get the ones we hired.'

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me ' What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier.'

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered
from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new
Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He
walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit
of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution: ' I'm sorry if I ever gave you the
impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!'

HR Manager to job candidate 'I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions.

'Quote from telephone inquiry 'We're only hiring one summer intern
this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that
position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.'

[squern]

Places I have and have not been.

I was in Credulous when I got this. I know it is hard to believe.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep**** many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Have you ever been to Jeopardy?
Apparently, there are a lot of jobs there.

[RatDog]

When my ship came in, I was at the train station.

[RatDog]

While I waited in our high school health office, I overheard another
student explain to the nurse how badly his eyes hurt.

"My head is spinning," he moaned. "and I can't see straight."

After listening to his ailments for ten minutes, even the often
skeptical nurse was convinced. "I am calling your mother to come
pick you up," she said, dialing the telephone.

"Oh that won't be necessary." the student instantly replied.
"I can drive myself home."

[RatDog]

KIDS SAY

One evening, after having a small disagreement with her husband,
Cyrethia walked into their room, mumbling under her breath. Ceylor, 3,
was sitting on the floor, reading a book. A few minutes passed and
Cyrethia heard her asking her Daddy questions. She said, "Daddy, are
you OK? Does your head hurt? Daddy, do you need to go to the
hospital?" After each question he replied, "No, I am fine. Why are
you asking?" Finally Ceylor replied, "Because I heard Mommy say that
you were sick in the head." -- Cyrethia Vines of Lynn Haven, Florida

Leon was a stickler for details. He kept himself meticulously
groomed. Shoes shined. Hair just right. One day he was crossing the
street with little Cathy Lynn. A car was coming really close. Cathy
Lynn cautioned, "Uncle Leon, you had better watch it. You are going to
get your shoes run over!" -- Delores Mays (aunt of Cathy Lynn) of St.
Louis, Missouri

MiKenzie, 4, was very excited because her parents' new car has
"sunglasses" (tinted windows)!" -- Anne (grandmother of MiKenzie) of
Cherry Valley, Illinois

Ever since Jamari has been 18 months old there have been regular
times for his grandmother to take him on an outing and then they'd get
an ice cream. One day his grandmother had to take him to the grocery
store with her first. In the store he had to talk to everybody. Two
elderly ladies were talking with him and out of the blue he said, "My
Umma is senile. She told me so." His grandmother could have died....
yes, she is always saying that when she can't find something. But
that's not the end of the story. In her rush to pick Jamari up, his
grandmother had quickly put on her tennis shoes. She was in the store,
looked down for something, and saw she had on two different tennis
shoes. Without thinking, his grandmother said, "Jamari, I told you
Umma was senile; she can't even put on a matching pair of shoes." They
left the store and went to get ice cream. While their order was being
filled Jamari told the people at the counter, "Umma's senile and she
don't know how to match her shoes!" -- Sherry Blevins (Umma) of
Borger, Texas

Alex, 9, took his grandmother by the arm to help her. She was
having difficulty that day as her arthritis was acting up. She thanked
him for helping her and he answered, "You're welcome, Meme. You can be
my practice mommy til my mommy gets old." -- Joan Aronberg (Meme) of
New Bedford, Massachusetts

Amberlyn was at Wal-Mart with her mother. She wanted a toy, but
her mother said, "No, we are not buying toys today but maybe you can
ask Santa to bring it to you." Amberlyn was indignant: "NO, Santa
don't shop at WAL-MART!" -- Dart Rhoades (mother of Amberlyn) of San
Diego

Elena tells about when her father took her 5-year-old sister
shopping. On the way home they got pulled over by an officer. Elena's
father drove an old 1977 Ford van so you couldn't tell if he was
wearing a seat belt, it only went around his stomach. Well, when the
officer approached him, he asked him if he was wearing his seat belt,
and he answered, "Yes, Sir, I am." Elena's little sister heard the
conversation and she yelled out, "Daddy, I wasn't wearing my seat
belt!" -- Elena Rodriguez of Houston, Texas

While driving on a rural road in Connecticut, 4-year-old Allyson
observed a Deer Crossing sign and shouted, "Mommy! I just saw a sign
with a picture of a deer on it! That must mean that we're very close
to the North Pole and Santa Claus!" When Mommy informed her it was a
way to warn drivers that deer lived in the woods nearby, Allyson
exclaimed, "Wow! You mean that reindeer live here, too?" -- Allyson's
mom of Easton, Connecticut

As everyone knows after the hurricanes there were tornadoes in the
South. Little Sara asked, "Did the tornado come here?" Her grandma,
Janice, said, "Yes, in the early hours today." Sara replied, "Bad
tornado... I'm going to spank it or shoot it with a BB gun!" -- Janice
Finley of Arab, Alabama

The year was 1961. Nubar and Ruth were about to be married in the
Enon Methodist Church on June 24. There was a rehearsal the evening
before at the church. Their ring bearer was Mark, 5, the son of their
minister. When it was his turn to walk down the aisle at the rehearsal,
he would not go without his Mommy. So Nubar asked Mark's mother if
there was anything he would like to have. She said he had wanted a bow
and arrow for some time. Nubar told Mark that if he would walk down
the aisle without his Mommy at the wedding he would get him a bow and
arrow. Sure enough the next day he walked the aisle like a trooper.
At the reception, Mark came over and tugged on Nubar's jacket and
asked, "Where is my bow and arrow?" Nubar left the reception to go to
the car and retrieve the bow and arrow ! -- Ruth Najarian of Fairborn, Ohio

[RatDog]

A couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old
daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

During the ride they talked about the procedure.

"Dad," the teenager asked ,"how are they going to keep my mouth
open during surgery?"

Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give
you a phone."

[poppa501]

[RatDog]