Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart
getting all it's employees cordless phones.

The person you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me
as I answer this call and searching desperately for their cordless
phone in the mess on their desk.

It won't matter if they find it since they didn't leave it on the
charger last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well
leave a message with me and I'll have them call you after the 4 hour
handset recharge period is completed."

[RatDog]

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were sitting
around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the
oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God
created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so
therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated
that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the
biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that
his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile
responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

[RatDog]

Smoky, our family cat, had gotten injured and needed to stay at the vet
clinic for several days. Our three children were so concerned that
several times a day, my wife and I had to reassure them that Smoky was
safe and being cared for by the "animal doctor."

Finally, we got the call that Smoky was ready to come home.

Driving to the vet's, it became clear that our four-year-old son, Ryan, had been
doing a lot of thinking about Smoky's absence when he asked, "Mom, what
kind of animal is the doctor?"

[RatDog]

I was waiting in line for a cup of coffee, when this guy in a suit
walks in talking on the phone. Now, I know a lot of people complain
when someone is in a public place and someone talks on the phone as if they were all alone.

But me? I like it. If you want to broadcast how mundane your life really is, then, hey, I'm going to listen. I want to compare your pathetic existence to mine.

So this dude with the loud voice is on the phone with a friend. "We broke up," he said.
Then after a couple of 'I don't knows' and 'she didn't says', he said:

"You know, my parents had me tested as a child and I was diagnosed as a genius. I think that is why I never got along with her; I don't get along with other geniuses. That is why I think you and I are such good friends."

[RatDog]

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau.
No one was there.

[james1968]

An Englishman, a Frenchman & an American were walking along a beach when the American spotted an old oil lamp lying there in the seaweed. He picked it up and gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"I will grant you each one wish", the genie said.

First up was the American. He wished for world peace. The Genie waved his hand & the American armed forces disappeared.
Next up was the Fenchman who wished that a wall 2000 feet high & 30 feet thick with smooth sides and no gaps be built around France and that all the non-French would be banished to the outside of it.
The Genie waved his hand and so it became.

Next, it was the Englishman's turn. Before he decided on his wish, he asked the Genie to confirm the details of the wall surrounding France, when told it was 2000 feet high, 30 feet thick & had no gaps, the Englishman replied "I wish to fill the wall around France to the very top with water".

[RatDog]

WHAT DOCTORS SAY and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any
more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me...

"There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next
week.

[Anniemcc2]

How Women Burn Calories in France !

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=yEH4Yum4nN4

[RatDog]

"My uncle ran for Parliament last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

[RatDog]

Flying through the Midwest in the summer means one thing: turbulence.

I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we
hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teen on his first
flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had subsided, he exited
the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on his face.

"Are you all right?" I asked. "Don't worry, that turbulence was as
bad as it gets."

"So that's what it was," he said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."