Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humour, he often ad-libs parts of the
stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs." She came to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire
building materials for his home.

She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full
of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw
to build my house with?'" The teacher then asks the class, "And what
do you think that man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and exclaimed, "I know! I know! --
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

[RatDog]

A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence.

It protects the premises without restricting the view.

[tinkerbellsdesign]

LOL love it!

[RatDog]

Salesperson trying to close the sale of a treadmill to a customer in the store:

"Due to the space-age materials used in making this model,
this one collects less dust than other exercise equipment."

[Oldandintheway]

Coming home unexpected, the junior executive finds his wife in bed with a naked bloke.
He's about to shoot him when his wife says, 'Don't! Who do you think bought us that condo in Surfers Paradise, the BMW & the first class tickets to London?'
'Are you the bloke?' asks the husband.
'Then get your clothes on. Do you want to catch a cold?'

[RatDog]

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a
large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but
we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang
on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of
the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael
over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after
about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal,

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

[Tallshrew]

1) A horse walks into a bar and the barman says - "There's fresh hay and a trough full of water in the stables out back".

2) Man 1: "My dog's got no nose"

Man 2 : "Your dog's got no nose: how does he smell ? "

Man 1 : "He can't. Unfortunately his olfactory senses are non-existent and his sense of taste is severely impaired too as a result because, as I'm sure you know, the two are inextricably linked together".

3) Patient : "Doctor - sometimes I think I'm a wigwam and other times I think I'm a big-top".

Doctor : "You're dangerously delusional".

Patient : "So you don't think I'm "too tense" then - get it "Two tents" ".

Doctor : "No, you're dangerously delusional and I'm obliged to have you forcibly sectioned under the Mental Health Act".

[RatDog]

My wife and I were visiting my mother. My sisters, their husbands and many nieces and nephews had gathered at mom's house to welcome
our newborn.

Suddenly, two of my nieces, both five, began to squabble over who'd get to hold the baby on their lap first.
My mother, with her years of wisdom, suggested they sit side by side and both hold the baby.

Not to be outdone, One niece piped up and said, "Okay! But I want the end
with the head on it!"

[pamelajonesart]

Lol....I enjoyed all your jokes hehehehehe

[RatDog]

While vacationing, we were stopped on the road by a police officer for exceeding the posted speed limit.

Trying to think of some way out of the predicament,
I said to the officer, "Do you realize how much money we've spent in this area today?"

"Well," replied the officer, "you're about to spend a little more."