Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

[RatDog]

[Anniemcc2]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.


His mother says: "Billy, are you all right?
You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "i'm fine, Mummy... I just haven't done it yet."

Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"





Billy says:
"it works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

[RatDog]

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied,"Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

[RatDog]

The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator
for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.

Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as
many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a
minute ago."

"I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered
my standards."

[RatDog]

Enjoy . . .

[RatDog]

Sad but True . . .

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are ?out of work? you are ?unemployed.?

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.
You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted
with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those
who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you
give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would
count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise
it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two
ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down,
and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're talking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I DON?T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID!!!

ABBOTT: Now you're talking like a politician!!

[RatDog]

During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were
asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future.

One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The
goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly
out-of-shape kindergarten teacher.

"I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in
less than an hour," she said.


You can't put plastic in the dishwasher, metal in the microwave or
utensils in the garbage disposal. There are so many rules in the
kitchen that it's just safer to eat out.

[RatDog]

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms

[RatDog]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed
his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman
sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a
loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a
long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was
with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said
into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.