Clean Humor Thread

[Anniemcc2]

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[sucadot]

Attachment 39899

I stick to cards

[meebo1]

Are you sure they don't cheat at cards too?

[sucadot]

Are you sure they don't cheat at cards too?

Moi, cheat at cards? .... I can't of course vouch for other (flightless) creatures

[HerMajesty]

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This is not a joke.............this is reality!!!!

[meebo1]

I just forget the list and know exactly where I left it

[Anniemcc2]

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[RatDog]

Anguished English

These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.

That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.

Stop beating a dead horse to death.

I would not have gone in there over my dead body.

I do hope that you don't think I've been making a mountain out of a
mole hole, but that's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.

We both had crew cuts, which made our ears stick out like sore thumbs.

I regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has
kicked the bucket.

Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a
little more help to get off the ground.

Let's hope that Steve Carlton gets his curve ball straightened out.

I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a ten-foot pole.

The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance.

Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants
to milk.

She'll get it by hook or ladder.

The bankers' pockets are bulging with the sweat of the honest working man.

That's a very hard blow to swallow.

The slowdown is accelerating.

It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye.

When we get to that bridge, we'll jump.

Don't sit there like a sore thumb -

Everyone whose ox has been gored is going to be squealing.

It's time to swallow the bullet.

The budget deficit is an albatross we carry on our back.

The sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's Box.

It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.

I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a fender.

Let dead dogs sleep.

From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.

That guy's out to butter his own nest.

He threw a wet towel on the meeting.

We've got to be careful about getting too many cooks into this soup,
or somebody's going to think there's dirty work behind the crossroads.

In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole.

He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.

Let us nip this political monkey in the bud before it sticks to us
like a leech.

He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground.

[RatDog]

PUNS INTENDED

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding, a case of wife or death.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It ain't yours and it ain't mine.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[RatDog]

If the customer is always right, then why are they always coming
to us for help?

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

You mean there is such a thing as friendly argument?
Is it sort of like friendly fire?

Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

My mouth doesn't seem to have a backspace key.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

A grownup is someone who suffers from responsibility.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you
where their children are tonight.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.