Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable
with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

[RatDog]

English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes;
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese;
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen ?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet ?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth ?

Then one may be that, & three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose;
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother & also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his & him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis & shim !

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square;
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce & hammers don't ham ?

Doesn't it seem crazy that ...
you can make amends but not one amend ?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends ...
and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it ?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught ?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?

Sometimes I think all people who speak English
Should be in an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play,
and play at a recital ?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship ...
We have noses that run & feet that smell;
We park in a driveway & drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance & a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man & a wise guy are opposites ?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down;
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
& in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing ....

If Father is Pop ....
how come Mother's not Mop ? ? ? ?

[RatDog]

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before
her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no
easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this
year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at
her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.


She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and
asked, "Will I get away with it?"

[RatDog]

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury
had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you
possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

[RatDog]

Irrelevancy

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine.

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.

An average person laughs about 5 times a day.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

Bubble gum contains rubber.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

[RatDog]

Yesterday ( Computer Song )

Do you know the song "Yesterday"?

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

[Anniemcc2]

Make sure you watch it through to the end:


http://www.johnnolanfilms.com/films/nolans-cheddar/

[meebo1]

poor mouse

[RatDog]

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

[RatDog]

A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.

"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."

"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard,aren't you?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient.

"I'm married to a zebra."