Clean Humor Thread

[HerMajesty]

You come up with some great ones!!

[RatDog]

You come up with some great ones!!

Thank You .They're out there .

[RatDog]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to
come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, and
Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”

[RatDog]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all
the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns
a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How in the world does that fit
in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman
behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when
come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation
Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him
and go, 'What your name?'

"He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'

"Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

"I say, 'Sem Ting.'

[RatDog]

The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew
to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The
decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how
unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of
car wheels in less than four seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races
are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would
thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only
were the lads changing the tires in under four seconds, but
within another ten seconds had also repainted, renumbered,
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.

[RatDog]

I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from
a woman who said her water broke.

"Stay calm," I advised. "Now, how far apart are your contractions?"

"No contractions," she said breathlessly. "But my basement is flooding fast."

[RatDog]

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign.

So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital
information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

[RatDog]

Britons are getting stronger.

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten pounds worth of groceries.

Today, a five-year-old can do it.

[Anniemcc2]

[RatDog]

While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we
noticed several first year students on their hands and knees
assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the
freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of
earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."