Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

According to MODERN BRIDE magazine, the average bride spends 150
hours planning her wedding.

The average groom spends 150 hours saying, "Yeah, sounds good."

[RatDog]

Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid.

She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"

She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help."

His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"

[RatDog]

[RatDog]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level.

I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took
a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded
along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand
in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed
several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The
mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I
drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an
outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer.”

[Anniemcc2]

Dear Ancestor

Your tombstone stands among the rest;
Neglected and alone.
The name and date are chiseled out
On polished, marbled stone.
It reaches out to all who care
It is too late to mourn.
You did not know that I exist
You died and I was born.
Yet each of us are cells of you
In flesh, in blood, in bone.
Our blood contracts and beats a pulse
Entirely not our own.
Dear Ancestor, the place you filled
One hundred years ago
Spreads out among the ones you left
Who would have loved you so.
I wonder if you lived and loved,
I wonder if you knew
That someday I would find this spot,
And come to visit you

[RatDog]

I was visiting my grandson last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit it .......

[RatDog]

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

[RatDog]

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child.

At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

[mallardpa]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[mallardpa]

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."