Clean Humor Thread

[Anniemcc2]

[RatDog]

How True !


I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a
customer came up with his check, totaling $14.92.

"That's when Columbus discovered America," he commented.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" I responded. "I mean, the
Native Americans were here long before he showed up."

We continued in this vein for several minutes.

Meanwhile, a line had begun to form.

After my customer left, the next patron came up to my counter and
impatiently asked me what was going on.

"Oh, we were talking about historical events," I said.

"Well, then," said the irritated customer, "can you tell me what
happened the year I started waiting in line?"

[bluebedouin]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[RatDog]

I know a guy who wrote 9 puns.

He entered them and one other in a contest.

He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose.

As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win,

but unfortunately,

no pun in ten did.

[RatDog]

a termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here......"

Good One !


There was a young man from the city,

Who met what he thought was a kitty;

He gave it a pat, And said, "Nice little cat!"

And they buried his clothes, out of pity.

[RatDog]

Because my tenth grade math class had difficulty solving
an algebra problem, I went to the blackboard to demonstrate
how it was done.

The solution required many steps,
but finally we arrived at the answer: X = 0.

One of my students complained, "You mean to tell me we did
all that work for nothing?"

[NuttyKrafts]

love the algebra one - it never made any sense to me either

[RatDog]

I'm a light eater.
As soon as it's light,
I start to eat.

[Anniemcc2]

Beatitudes of a Family Genealogist:

Blessed are the great-grandfathers, who saved embarkation and citizenship papers, for they tell WHEN they came.

Blessed are the great-grandmothers, who hoarded newspaper clippings and old letters, for they tell the STORY of their time.

Blessed are the grandfathers, who filled every legal document, for these provide the PROOF.

Blessed are the grandmothers, who preserved family Bibles and diaries, for these are our HERITAGE.

Blessed are fathers, who elect officials that answer letters of inquiry, for--to some--the ONLY LINK to the past.

Blessed are mothers, who relate family TRADITIONS and LEGENDS to the family, for one of her children will surely remember.

Blessed are relatives, who fill in family sheets with extra data, for to them we owe our FAMILY HISTORY.

Blessed is any family, whose members strive for the PRESERVATION of RECORDS, for this is a labour of love.

Blessed are the children who will never say, "Grandma, you told that old story twice today."

[RatDog]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket.'

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'