Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

PMS ? ? ?

- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

- You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

- Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

- You're counting down the days until menopause.

- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

- You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt.

-While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

- You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

[RatDog]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one
week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically.

"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station.

She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter,
landed on top of Radio City Music Hall,
and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes.

[Anniemcc2]

[RatDog]

Good One Anniemcc2 !

Junk Science
A student won first prize at the local high school science fair. He
was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists
practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or
total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. sometimes called hydric acid, it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion and to the "greenhouse effect"
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands every year.
8. prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage

Despite the danger, DHMO is often used:

1. as an industrial solvent and coolant
2. in nuclear power plants
3. in the production of styrofoam
4. as a fire retardant
5. in many forms of animal research
6. in the distribution of pesticides
7. as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1)
knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project ?

"How Gullible Are We?"

[RatDog]

In his younger days our golden retriever ,Catcher, often ran away when
he had the chance.

His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher
would usually go there.

The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"

[Anniemcc2]

[NuttyKrafts]

Thanks for all the laughs, I had much more fun reading all the threads than watching the football!

[RatDog]

Thanks for all the laughs, I had much more fun reading all the threads than watching the football!

THINGY (thing-ee)n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's dress

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male: Playing football without a helmet

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
Female: The opensharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book
Male: Anything that can be done while fishing, and ends with food

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion
Male: A source of entertainment, self-statement

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male: A device for scanning all 175 channels every 5 minutes

[NuttyKrafts]

love it!

A Wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning:



"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:



"Pour some luke warm water over it."



Wife texts back:



"Computer completely f***ed now."

[RatDog]

Micah and Steve, two good ole boys from South Carolina,
were sittin' on the front porch drinking lemonade when a large
truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Micah.

"Do what?" asked Steve.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Micah.