Clean Humor Thread

[dogsetc]

A man walked into a bar and said 'ouch'

[meebo1]

Our phone rang one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up.

She said, "KitKat," and hung up.

"Who was that?"

"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.

"What now?" I asked.

"He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her
favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."

The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.

"But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat
isn't my favorite candy."

"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."

I love this. wish I had thought of it

[sucadot]

A man walked into a bar and said 'ouch'

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a pub. The barman says, 'Is this some kind of joke?'

[RatDog]

Driving down the highway one day,
I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Go That Extra Mile."

Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it:
"Because We Missed the Last Exit!"

[cheaver]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.'
The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference..

[Anniemcc2]

via email from my funnies group:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

[meebo1]

What a good idea...

[RatDog]

Clifton too . Novel idea .

[RatDog]

An ornithologist claims that all too often the stork is held responsible for circumstances which might better be attributed to a lark.

[RatDog]

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with the plunger, I had to
take it apart.

That's no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged
to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank
filled, and flushed it.

However, it didn't work much better than before!

As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.

I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had found and told him
that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too"? he asked.