Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water
fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt
guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a
sink, there was endless ammunition.

The most frequent target being the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar.
Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready
to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink,
he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with
that old gag!"

It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

[RatDog]

Government Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.

2) If it clanks, call the repairman.

3) If it whistles, ignore it.

4) If it's a friend, take a break.

5) If it's the boss, look busy.

6) If it talks, take notes.

7) If it's handwritten, type it.

8) If it's typed, copy it.

9) If it's copied, file it.

10) If it's Friday, forget it!

[HerMajesty]

GONGS for making me laugh!!

[RatDog]

GONGS for making me laugh!!

Thank You for the ' Gongs ' !
Glad You Enjoy .

[RatDog]

You Might Be Addicted to Gardening if , , , , ,

Your neighbors recognize you in your pajamas, rubber clogs and a cup of*coffee.

You grab other people’s banana peels, coffee grinds, apple cores, etc. for your compost pile.

You have to wash your hair to get your fingernails clean.

All your neighbors come and ask you questions.

You know the temperature of your compost every day.

You buy a bigger truck so that you can haul more mulch.

You enjoy crushing Japanese beetles because you like the sound that it makes.

Your boss makes “taking care of the office plants” an official part of your job description.

Everything you touch turns to “fertilizer”.

Your non-gardening spouse becomes conversant in botanical names.

You find yourself feeling leaves, flowers and trunks of trees wherever you go.

You dumpster-dive for discarded bulbs after commercial landscapers remove them to plant annuals.

You plan vacation trips around the locations of botanical gardens, arboreta,historic gardens, etc.

You sneak home a 7 foot Japanese Maple and wonder if your spouse will notice.

When considering your budget, plants are more important than groceries.

You always carry a shovel, bottled water and a plastic bag in your trunk.

You appreciate your Master Gardener badge more than your jewelry.

You talk “dirt” at baseball practice.

[meebo1]

I am safe, I think

[RatDog]

Groaner Alert .

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children,
30 grandchildren,
45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren,
and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[RatDog]

Thinking About It , , , , ,

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to
look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it
sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great
ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest
of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet
you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it
goes before you do.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A person who can smile when things go wrong has
found someone to blame it on.

* A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy
Saturday with a television on the blink.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work
and some willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money
orders, and travelers checks.

[Anniemcc2]

Attachment 32904

[RatDog]

HaH !

( groaner alert )

Customer in Bookstore: “ Hi , can you help me find this book ? “

Clerk: “ Sure . “

(She holds up a piece of paper with the Title and Author on it.
Clerk finds it hands it to her.)

Customer: “ Thanks! How'd you do that so fast ? “

Clerk: “ All the books are in alphabetical order by the author's name . “

Customer: “ What do you mean ? “

Clerk: “ Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A's before B's? “

( She looks confused, but then her eyes get wide . )

Customer: “ The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song
was just to remember them all . “