Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone
in his small town look to him for an example, but that all
too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for
the local gossip mill, as well.

This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide
the good example and escape the tattlers. One night,
however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation
beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he
came to a sudden stopping place.


His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with
concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured,

"I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

[RatDog]

Researchers at the University College of London report that
indoor heating makes us fat.
They say cold air helps us stay thin.

Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you're
getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door.

[OvertheRainbow4U]

Everyone should start carrying $2 bills!
I'm STILL laughing!!
I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.
The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these.

Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'


Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,

Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.


Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

Just think...

those two will be voting soon!!?!

YIKES!!!

Too late, we already have a nation full of them.

[RatDog]

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio. The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

" Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the Rancher.

[HerMajesty]

re: San Antonio.................I thought you were posting jokes, RatDog, not real events..............

[RatDog]

I forgot to anonymize ! Sorry !

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Question: How many days in a week?
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[meebo1]

I can relate to that

[RatDog]

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to
customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at
Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one
trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove
myself and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at
night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort
of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was
very loud, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I
came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children,
Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn,
apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained
that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,
but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom
that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the
children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the
terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds
of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me and came running,
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the
good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you
were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting
area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched
the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly
who his mom was.

[RatDog]

At the start of tennis camp for youngsters, the instructor asked,

"Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?"

A 5-year-old raised his hand and said, "Baseball."

[RatDog]

I hope they don't raise the standard of living any higher,
I can't afford it now.