Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

As Seen on Facebook - Unedited .

Wayne updated his status: "when is the world gonna realize eather is crack for a motor?? rewirin a yota pickup from fire damage...gotta love idoits"

[RatDog]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources
person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package
of five weeks' vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full
medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50%
of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a
red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[meebo1]

It's funny, but sadly that's the sort of expectation some people have

[RatDog]

How true .

[RatDog]

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check , the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have , you'll be home in no time.

[RatDog]

A married couple had been shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon , when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had " disappeared ".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded :
" Where you at ? "

Says the Husband ," Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money but
said, " Baby it'll be yours one day ? "

Wife cooing back says," Yes, I remember that my Love" ,excitement creeping in her voice.

Says the Husband, " Well, I'm in the Sporting Goods Store next to that shop ."

[RatDog]

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The
officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation
used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The
Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system
was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone,
he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong
with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And
also with you."

[RatDog]

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve,
I accidentally dropped one.

"No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the
plate.

"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don't worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good,
but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

[Anniemcc2]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Cups of Coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness... Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.

The Coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Cups of Coffee with a friend!!

[sucadot]

So true