Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving
several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two
emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained
our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on
the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do
for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as
an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you
feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

[RatDog]

In the local school's Nature Program, the teacher was
introducing a unit on "The Five Senses."

The dialogue with the teacher and the three-to-four-year-olds went thus:

Teacher: We have eyes for.....?

Children: Seeing!

Teacher: And a nose for.....?

Children: Smelling!

Teacher: And ears for.....?

One Child: Earrings!

[RatDog]

David was a new golfer, who had taken to the game so deeply that he lost all track of time. As almost a commandment, when David went out to play golf, he was always late coming home by three or more hours.
Needless to say, Grace his wife, suffered as well as she could, but every once in a while she threw a fit because of his broken time to be home promises.

It was Sunday afternoon and David was heading out the door for the golf course. Grace nailed him before he got out the door and reminded him that her sister and husband would be there that evening for supper at 7 P M . Dave saw no problem with this and swore to Grace that he would be home by 6 PM. Well in time to meet his sister-in-law. Grace made him promise several times and Dave swore he would be home by 6.

Grace started looking out the door at 5:30 and saw no sign of Dave.
6 PM, Dave's, promised time of arrival came and still no Dave had arrived.
Minutes passed and at 6:30 the guests arrived.
Grace served cocktails and started burning under the collar.

Dinner was served late at 8PM and still no Dave.
Grace was thinking of good divorce lawyers.
When 10:30 arrived the guests left and Grace sat down in the
living room to have a good cry.

At 11:15 Dave walked through the door, sat his clubs in the corner and sat down with his wife.
"Such a golf game I had. On the second hole,Irving dropped dead. After that it was terrible.
Hit the ball, drag Irving.
Hit the ball, drag Irving.
Hit the ball, drag Irving..."

[RatDog]

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to
discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes
directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He
gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a
plane's windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the
instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of
something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was
expecting "dry ice" as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

[RatDog]

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for
electric trains.
"If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad
is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this
question, he became very quiet.

Trying to move the conversation along,
I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, "Another train."

[RatDog]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the sunny
Caribbean. They were discussing their great vacations when
the lawyer said,

"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned
was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer.
"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer, quite puzzled, asked, "How do you start a flood ?"

[Anniemcc2]

EU bureaucracy

Pythagorean theorem: ...........................................24 words.

Lord's prayer:........................................... ............66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: ........................................... 67 words.

Ten Commandments: ............................................ 179 words.

Gettysburg address: ............................................ 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence : .................... 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .......... 7,818 words.


EU regulations on the sale of cabbage:....... 26,911 words

[moonwitch]

As you know, Gandhi was a spiritual man.

He also went on many hunger strikes, which left him weak and gave him bad breath.

He usually walked without shoes, leaving his feet quite rough.

Or, to put it another way, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis !

[RatDog]

"Hi. This is President Obama. Is Senator Lieberman in?"

"No, Mr. President. It's Yom Kippur!"

"Well, Hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"

[RatDog]

While I was working in the men's section of a department
store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress
shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at
first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands,
forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per-
fectly around his neck."