Clean Humor Thread

[damian_steele]

In Other Words...

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies
are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be
imperceptible and are so stipulated, it is incumbent
upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise
the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance
procedures."

If it ain't broke, don't fix it?

[RatDog]

Ding , Ding , Ding ! Yes , correct ! ( hover pointer over paragraph )

[RatDog]

( Groaner Alert ) Seattle, Washington -

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a King County courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody
of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the
judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt, in keeping with child
custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to
the highest degree reasonably possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his Grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references for precedents and confer
with Child Welfare Officials, the judge granted temporary custody of the
child to the Seattle Seahawks Football Team, whom the Court firmly
believes are not capable of beating anyone .

[RatDog]

Flight Delay Announcement

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.
A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be
finished and on our way shortly."

[RatDog]

Think About It :

- Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

- How come wrong numbers are never busy?

- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

- Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

- How do you get off a non-stop flight?

- How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

- If Barbie's so popular why do you have to buy all her friends?

- If swimming is good for your shape then why do the whales look the way they do?

- Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

[Tiskets]

What a Hoot! Never read this thread before but am thoroughly enjoying the laugh.

[RatDog]

I glad You found a chuckle !

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One
of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."

The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger
fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if
you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the
smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you
have it, don't you?"

[RatDog]

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions , she decided to max out , choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance.

But she had one last question.

"Now," she said, "what do I have to do to collect?"

[RatDog]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

[RatDog]

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters
for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers they always
have on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing
and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

"How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with
my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, which-
ever comes first."