Clean Humor Thread

[RogerandOwl]

Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two Stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's Bum and a car hit me

[moonwitch]

[cambrensis]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to the first lion and says "What's the food like in here?".
He says:

"Absolutely brilliant; today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

[crafters_corner]

The best ones are always groan-worthy

Have forwarded to our grandson who works in a pet shop on Saturdays.

[cambrensis]

[moonwitch]

[moonwitch]

[moonwitch]

I'm thinking of starting a new social media platform

by combining the best of YouTube,Twitter, and Facebook.

I'm gonna call it, YouTwitFace.

[EalingBob]

An old zebra who lived in a zoo, wanted to spend her retirement days on a farm. She asked the zoo keeper if he could make her dream come true. So he found a farm where she could live. Her first day, she decided to go round and meet all the other animals to find out what they did. 1st she went to a small brown fluffy thing and said "hi I'm a zebra, what do you do for the farmer". She replied I'm a chicken and I make all the eggs for the farmer. Next she went to a medium sized pink like creature, " hi I'm a zebra, "what do you do for the farmer," I'm a pig and I make sure the farmer has all the bacon and sausage he's needs" she carried on and met a great big stallion, she said and what do you for the farmer. He replied "get your pjs off and ill show you".

[moonwitch]