Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

-Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in
your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[RatDog]

" I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. "

- Winston Churchill

[RatDog]

My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance.
"I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and
Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light
hair." Then she turned to me.

"Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have
to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be silly. Dad is the one who
drove Mom to the hospital."

[RatDog]

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman
behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her
uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you
supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

[RatDog]

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five
miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket
collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to
pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your
suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this
vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more
enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs
the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river
and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector,
"Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone
an' drowned me boy Angus!"

[RatDog]

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.

[RatDog]

Three men were sitting on a bench in a park one sunny day. One was reading
his newspaper quietly, but the other two were pretending to fish.

A police officer passed by and began to watch the strange scene; they would hook,
cast and reel in their imaginary lines.

Thinking they might be crazy and potentialy dangerous, he approached the
man with the newspaper and asked him if he knew them.

"Yes! They're my friends!" the man replied.

"Well then, get them out of here before they cause any trouble!" said the
officer.

"Yes, sir," the man said. And with that, he began rowing furiously.

[RatDog]

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

[RatDog]

It's been a rough day.
I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

[RatDog]

In Other Words...

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies
are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be
imperceptible and are so stipulated, it is incumbent
upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise
the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance
procedures."