Clean Humor Thread

[cambrensis]

...but not forgotten!

[moonwitch]

[cambrensis]

I am very tempted to report you to HQ, Moonie!

[Mandart]

This is brilliant - it's appeared in my Twitter feed and I'm assured it's absolutely true...

"My husbands dying wish was to make people think he led a double life, we had 3 blacked out land rovers follow the courtage and actors in suits and trench coats 'observe' the funeral from a distance- he was a bank manager for TSB and to this day haven't told anyone the truth"

[moonwitch]

[sucadot]

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this:

somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new home”.

[sucadot]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

[cambrensis]

“Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Absolutely brilliant! When they reopen the "Pope's Arms" (the bar in the Church Hall) I shall tell that one...lol!!

[theElench]

Seen on "New and Ghost Category Suggestions" -- New category please die.

Well it made me smile

[sucadot]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."