Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

[Mandart]

[cambrensis]

Hahaha! Mine is better - it tips forward, very gently, if I hit the button while dozing and I slide, elegantly, to the floor.

[cambrensis]

A chip off the old block?

[sucadot]

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Mandart]

An elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.


At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

[cambrensis]

Made me think of the old one "These animals are Dangaroos!"

[sucadot]

Ageing Realities


Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

[cambrensis]

I want a whole one!!!!

[cambrensis]

This makes me cross!!