Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[RatDog]

The wife scolded her husband at the company picnic awhile back.

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the
buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I tell them it's for you."

[RatDog]

At the barbershop recently, a father came in with his two
sons, about 10 and 12 years of age. He got both boys settled
into barber chairs and then proceeded to tell the barbers
how he wanted their hair cut.

The younger boy didn't pay much attention. But the older boy
turned to his barber and said, "Make me look good for the
girls, not for my dad!"

[RatDog]

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night
and started to rob it.

The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said most
gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am
about to shoot!"

[islandbuckman]

Five Horses Is Her Name This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful... A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!.

[islandbuckman]

SUNBURN TREATMENT

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got
a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the
doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,
a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'

[islandbuckman]

Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?
Answer below!

******************

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

[KAYS6912]

Five Horses Is Her Name This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful... A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!.

I read that out to my husband who for some reason found it very funny! LOL!!!! Probably because when anybody asks him how I am, he says "Oh - Nancy's fine - still nagging."

[islandbuckman]

This is a hoot. Make sure you watch it until after the credits....

http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film

[RatDog]

The day after a verdict had been entered against
his client, the lawyer rushes to the judge's
chambers, demanding that the case be reopened.

"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference
in my client's defense."

"What new evidence could you have?"

"I've learned that my client has $10,000 that I
didn't know about.