Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

[cambrensis]

A newly-ordained priest is hearing his first confession and a man comes in to
confess that he's stolen a leg of lamb. Uncertain what penance he should give the
man, the priest consults his parish priest. “Father”, he says, "there's a man here
who's stolen a leg of lamb. What shall I give him?

"Not a penny more than fifty pence a pound!"

[sucadot]

Norman decides to take a balloon ride on offer at the local May Day Fair.

The balloon and its customers drift along in the breeze, but eventually they are lost. Norman has no idea where he is, so when the gondolier takes the basket down to ten feet above ground he calls to a passer-by: 'Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?'

The passer-by says: 'You are in a red balloon, ten feet above ground.'

Norman replied, 'You must be a lawyer'

'How could you possible know that?' asked the passer-by.

'Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost'.

'Then you must be in management', said the passer-by.

'That's right! How did you know?'

'You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going.
The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!'

[sucadot]

[Anniemcc2]

[sucadot]

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church elders called a meeting and after much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and put a water slide leading to the font in hopes the the squirrels would drown themselves. However the squirrels took to the slide as a game and found it fun; twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free at night next to the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists gave up and took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels in their house of worship and consecrated them as members of the church. Now the parishioners only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue reported little trouble. They took the first squirrel they found and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[cambrensis]

The children were asked to draw a picture of the flight of the Holy Family to Egypt for
their religious education class.


All but one drew the conventional picture of a rocky mountain pass at night with Joseph
leading the donkey and Mary sitting on it holding the infant Jesus.


The exception was a small boy who had taken the word "flight" quite literally - his picture
showed a modern jet plane flying over the Pyramids.


Visible in the plane were four figures, three at the rear, each with a halo, and one in the front
without a halo.


"That's lovely, John!" said the teacher. "...but who's the man without the halo?"


"Please Miss," said John, "that's Pontius, the pilot."

[Posbear]

I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book.

She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone.

The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears.

-------

In a pub, at the bar:
Customer (pointing at the "Free Wifi" sign): What's the password?
Barman: You have to buy a drink first.
C: Fair enough. I'll have a pint of lager.
B: Foster's, Carling, or Carlsberg?
C: Carling, please.
B: Here you are. That'll be £3.
C: Thank you (pays £3). So, what's the password?
B: youhavetobuyadrinkfirst. All lower case, no spaces.

----------

An Eskimo was out on the water fishing. He felt cold, so he lit a fire, but it burned a hole in the bottom of his boat and it sank
The moral of this tale is....you can't have your kayack and heat it

[sucadot]

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favour before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best friend.”

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

“AHHHH! Who are you?”

“Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.”

“Good grief, you scared me half to death.”

“It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.”

“Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam.

“There is baseball in heaven.”

“Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

[sucadot]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...


and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"