Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

Wow - all this and a house move too !!

[abyorkie]

A man walks into a fish and chip shop. When asked what he wants he replies that he keeps thinking he is a moth.
The person serving him says you need to go to the doctors.
Reply, I was but your light was on!

And from another thread before i found this one

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his sole to.....
SANTA

Cheers Alan
Please have a look at my shops, you may find something you like!!
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[RatDog]

Officer Overboard

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

[Anniemcc2]

Beatitudes of a Family Genealogist:

Blessed are the great-grandfathers, who saved embarkation and citizenship papers, for they tell WHEN they came.

Blessed are the great-grandmothers, who hoarded newspaper clippings and old letters, for they tell the STORY of their time.

Blessed are the grandfathers, who filled every legal document, for these provide the PROOF.

Blessed are the grandmothers, who preserved family Bibles and diaries, for these are our HERITAGE.

Blessed are fathers, who elect officials that answer letters of inquiry, for--to some--the ONLY LINK to the past.

Blessed are mothers, who relate family TRADITIONS and LEGENDS to the family, for one of her children will surely remember.

Blessed are relatives, who fill in family sheets with extra data, for to them we owe our FAMILY HISTORY.

Blessed is any family, whose members strive for the PRESERVATION of RECORDS, for this is a labour of love.

Blessed are the children who will never say, "Grandma, you told that old story twice today."

[RatDog]

Love it !


Bumper Stickers:-

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Born free . . . Taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio--Already stolen.

* Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* i souport publik edekashun.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

[HerMajesty]

• "I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
• "I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
• "I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."
• "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."

[RatDog]

Husband : When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?
Wife : I clean the toilet....

Husband : How does that help ?
Wife : I use your toothbrush.

[Anniemcc2]

Christmas Cake recipe.

N.B.: The Whisky in this recipe can be replaced with rum or brandy if desired.

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 tsp lemon juice
1 bottle whisky

Sample the Whisky to check for quality
Take a large bowl.
Check the Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cut butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the Whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cuts of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
Turn the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whisky again.
Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

[RatDog]

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the
cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you
really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I’ve lived this
long by answering questions like that?"

[RatDog]

A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it's too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

'Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,' the guide said. 'Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.'

'We can't be here tomorrow,' the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. 'We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can' t kiss the stupid stone.'

'Well now,' the guide said patiently, 'it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.'

'And I suppose you've kissed the stone?' the woman scoffed rudely.
'No, ma'am,' the frustrated guide said, 'but I have sat on it.'