Clean Humor Thread

[cambrensis]

Lovely one, Su!! Have added this to my armoury!!

[sucadot]

Lovely one, Su!! Have added this to my armoury!!

Hope you enjoy firing 'em off Ian! 😊

[cambrensis]

"Praise the Lord! and pass the ammunition!"

One of the first songs I learned in English...community singing in WWII !! (lol)

[sucadot]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

‘BP’

[sucadot]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

[cambrensis]

A young Protestant soldier, posted to Italy during the war, found himself in love with two Catholic girls, Rosa and Maria. Which one should he marry? The local priest advised him to go inside the church and pray for guidance. He did so. Later he rushed out and went to the priest in a state of great excitement."It really works, Father, just as you said. I got my answer plain as it could be. I looked up at the altar and there written in large letters of gold were the words "Ave Maria." "

[cambrensis]

Therewas a very posh, white, silk coated, long furred cat, with beautifulblue eyes who died and went to heaven. St Peter welcomed her at thepearly gates saying,“Welcome,I hope you will be very happy here. Is there anything I can get youthat would make your stay happier?"
"I would like a verysoft and comfortable cushion", said the cat.
A big squashy,red velvet cushion duly arrived. The cat stretched out, purringloudly with glee.
Later two mice arrived and St. Peter asked themthe same question.
They replied, "We would like rollerskates".
They skated happily around.
St. Peter turned tothe beautiful cat, "Is everything all right?"
"Wonderful!"Came the answer.
"The cushion is fabulous but the meals onwheels are something else!”

[cambrensis]

A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The Rabbit says,"I might be a typo."

[cambrensis]

The late Cardinal Heenan was a priest of this diocese. He was born in Ilford and
served as parish priest of Barking and Manor Park during the Second World War.
He later became Bishop of Leeds, Archbishop of Liverpool, and finally,
Archbishop of Westminster. Once he was touring Ireland and he chanced to visit
a little church in a remote parish. He announced to the parish priest his intention
of celebrating Mass on the following day and preaching a sermon, and so he did-
but only a few people turned out to hear him.
"It's not a good turn-out," he complained to the priest. "Didn't you tell your parish
that I would be preaching?"
"That I did not, Your Eminence," said the priest,
"But I'll find out who did."

[sucadot]

If you rearrange the letters in 'Royal Mail ' ........ they get really annoyed.