Clean Humor Thread

[cambrensis]

Attachment 62175

In other words you should be "Poised Anxiously, Readily Asset Liquidating Your Tipples In Case" (PARALYTIC)!!

[sucadot]

In other words you should be "Poised Anxiously, Readily Asset Liquidating Your Tipples In Case" (PARALYTIC)!!

Liquor Only Liquid (LOL!)

[cambrensis]

"Love My Athenian Ouzo!" (LMAO)

[sucadot]

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen."

The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen."

He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff.

The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff.

The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

[sucadot]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[crafters_corner_2]

Oh, that really did make me laugh out loud.

[sucadot]

Oh, that really did make me laugh out loud.

And me!

[sucadot]

Some Edinburgh Fringe one-liners -

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time

If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go

Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day

Clowns divorce. Custardy battle

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog

[bluebedouin]

Went to the doctor's earlier to get some test results.
Doctor said, "I'm sorry to inform you that you DO have the Coronavirus."
I said, "That's impossible.I've made sure that I'm totally immune."
So the doctor asked how I could be so sure.
I replied,"I have 300 toilet rolls at home!"

[sucadot]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"And whose clock is that?" she asked. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Which is Trump's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Trump's clock is in my office." Saint Peter replied. "I'm using it as a ceiling fan."