Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

[Tropical_Trish]

I was reading about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
Do you know who actually designed the famous round table?
Obviously.
Just had to be ...


Sir Cumference.

[sucadot]

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather. He goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me."

The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud pile, I want you to fill it with salt and sugar. Then, lay in there like you usually would. Call me in a week and let me know how you feel."

So a week goes by and the pig calls the doctor. "Oh, so how are you feeling," asks the doctor. "Better?"

"Better?" exclaims the pig. "I'm cured!"

[sucadot]

Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award.




He took the title with the gag:

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

[sucadot]

Alan, a poor country farmer won £1,480,000 in the Lottery. As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the sites of London.

Having never been further than their local town, Malton in Yorkshire they were bowled over by glitz and excitement of the big city.

They booked into the Park Lane Hilton, where Alan and his son Sam were mesmerised by a shiny box with silver walls. They had never before met with doors that could move apart, and then automatically come back together again - a lift.

So they were amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the door closed. The lights outside on the wall flashed for a minute, then the doors opened and out came a beautiful young woman.


Alan turned to his son Sam and said, 'Son, go get your mother.'

[sucadot]

A bald friend painted rabbits on his head. They look like hares from a distance.


When asked why he had painted his front door yellow, Sherlock Holmes replied “Lemon Entry, my dear Watson”.


I saw a chap painting pictures of bikes on a local church roof. Cycleangelo.


Bought some graffiti proof paint. It’s unremarkable.


On my way to an 80s themed fancy dress party, I asked my wife to paint stripes on my face. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Yes, I’m adamant”.


A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.

[sucadot]

[Maria]

Hello,
I just read this and I am sorry it is not funny at all it as an insult to the women's how they are and look
it is like a joke with a small and little brain?...

Kind Regards

[sucadot]

[EalingBob]

LIFE'S A GAMBLE ??

A punter was at the races
playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse, a long shot, won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up,
the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window
and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot,
the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and waited anxiously
to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
Then he bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses,
and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM,
withdrew all his savings, and waited for the
Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track
for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest even blessed the eyes, ears,
and hooves of the old nag.

The punter knew he must have a real winner
and so bet every penny he now had on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag
pulled up short, half way through the race
completely exhausted and then collapsed.

In a state of shock, the gambler went to the
track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded,
'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed
never even had a chance.
So now, thanks to you,
I've lost every penny!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
saying,
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm not."
he answered

"That's the problem,"
said the Priest,
"you can't tell the difference
between a blessing
and
the last rites."