Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[bluebedouin]

Blatantly stolen from winadinner.

One beautiful Sunday morning, the Reverend announces to the congregation, My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons.....
A £100 sermon that lasts 5 minutes.
A £50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes and a £20 sermon that lasts a full hour.






Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I deliver.

[sucadot]

[HerMajesty]

[sucadot]

[sucadot]

[bluebedouin]

I went into a pet shop & asked to buy a wasp.The owner said,"We don't sell wasps."
I replied,"Well,you've got one in your window".

[sucadot]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."

The pet shop owner tells him that he has a talking centipede. Happy with the unusual offering the man buys it and leaves.

At home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he leaves it to rest.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

The centipede again says nothing. The man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[sucadot]

A man is wandering around a car boot sale.

He comes across a stall selling books and after a bit of rummaging around finds a title called "Zen Buddhism"

"How much for this book?" asks the man.

"£1" replies the seller.

"OK I'll take it" says the man and hands over a £5 note.

The seller puts the fiver in his pocket then goes to serve another customer.
5 minutes pass and the man asks the seller "What about my change mate?"

The seller replies -
"Change must come from within".

[moonwitch]