Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

Good One !


Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football,"
I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to
chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being
shushed a few times, I gave him a "look."

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry,
honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and
talk--I'll just turn up the volume."

[cheaver]

...


Cue Mr Next New Husband.....

[RatDog]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife
suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing
diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled: "Oh! I didn't mean the next
diaper. I meant the next baby!"

[RatDog]

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes
list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

[RatDog]

Office Rules

If it rings, put it on hold;

If it clanks, call the repairman;

If it whistles, ignore it;

If it's a friend, take a break;

If it's the boss, look busy;

If it talks, take notes;

If it's handwritten, type it;

If it's typed, copy it;

If it's copied, file it;

If it's Friday, forget it!

[HerMajesty]

Very cute!! Thanks for the grins!

[RatDog]

Your Very Welcome .

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be
your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my
issues with reality - sometimes I have a little trouble
telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

" I'm Batman. "

[RatDog]

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde
says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

[RatDog]

Marriage Counseling

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide
which of them to marry. He went to his pastor for counseling.

The Pastor asked, "Please describe your two loves."

"Well, one is a great poet."

"And the other?"

"The other makes delicious pancakes."

"I see," the Pastor wisely observed. "So, you can't decide whether
to marry for batter or for verse."

[Anniemcc2]

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
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TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
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A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything!