Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

[sucadot]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[cambrensis]

Hahahaha! Lovely! Reminds me of this one:

An elderly Italian fisherman, Angelo, hauling on his nets one day had a heart attack and died.

He floated gently up to heaven to the gentle accompaniment of a harp, and the soft hum of an angel.

He knocked at the gates, which opened to reveal St Peter standing there, smiling benignly.

"Yis"? said Peter, who was a Dubliner.

Angelo explained to the First of the First among Equals what had happened and added. "I've been a good Catholic all my life, been to Mass regularly and going to confession often as well."

The saint told him to wait while he checked the records and pulling out a large tome eventually found the correct page. He read it swiftly, making approving noises as he did so. He raised his arms and an angelic choir started to sing an anthem. "Right!" said Peter. "Get ready! We're going to have a parade to bring you in; you are indeed a very good Catholic!"

At that moment there was a flash of lightning which appeared to come from our world which they could see in the distance, below them. This was followed by a fanfare of trumpets and an extremely loud choir and orchestra started up.

St Peter was startled as his 'phone rang. He picked it up. "Yessir! Yessir! Immediately sir!" he said. He turned to Angelo and said "Sorry Angelo - you'll have to wait a little while. Just stand over there will you?"

"What's wrong?" asked the old fisherman. "I thought I was about to be brought in!"

"Not yet", said Peter. "You'll have to wait. His Holiness the Pope has just died, so he will take precedence!"

Angelo was aghast. "What? Ive tusseled and struggled in an evil world, always doing my best to do the right thing,scrimping and saving to bring up my family. Now, at this juncture, a man who has had the best of everything, been pampered and feted throughout the world by people in all walks of life, is to steal the limelight and I have to queue? This is unjust I think!"

St Peter took his hand and smiled. "Oh, Angelo!" he said with deep feeling. "Good Catholic Boys like you we receive by the thousand, every day....But this is the first Pope we've seen in five hundred years!!!!"

[sucadot]

Oh lol! Good one Ian!

[sucadot]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! - the husband was 92 years old.

[sucadot]

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.

The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.

The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.

The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.

The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!"

[sucadot]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[sucadot]

Tim Vine's top ten jokes -

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

[sucadot]

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to return to earth as anyone they want.


The first nun thinks it over and says "I'd like to return as Sophia Loren."
St. Peter says "Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren."


The second nun thinks and says "I'd like to be Gina Lollobrigida."
St. Peter says "No problem, you can return as Gina Lollobrigida."


The third nun says "I think I'd like to be Virginia Pipeline."
St. Peter says, "Hmmm, I don't think I know of anyone named Virginia Pipeline?"


At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning paper: "Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men"

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