Clean Humor Thread

[bluebedouin]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£45,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[bluebedouin]

My Dear Pets,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!


Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[HerMajesty]

Those are hilarious!!

[crafters_corner]

[QUOTE=bluebedouin;1708450]Archaelogists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.

It's called 'Irish Country Dancing part 2,the arm movements.'[/QUOTE

Soooooo funny. Won't ever be able to watch Irish dancing without thinking of this one.

[sucadot]

[EalingBob]

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[sucadot]

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day. He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

[sucadot]

[sucadot]

[sucadot]

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water.

However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'