Clean Humor Thread

[meebo1]

I think it should say: Wait, I need to come too!

[Oldandintheway]

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that but you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' '4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, “You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shuts them all up when
he observes, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There’s no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and bottom are interchangeable.

[Oldandintheway]

That's where I'd be!

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Hillbilly Strip Tease

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,

"What in the world are ya doin', Billy Bob?!"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me ’n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[tony41]

From Private Eye

[sucadot]

A girl was visiting her not very bright friend, Jodie, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.


"Well, this is Rolex and that one is Timex." replied Jodie


Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOO......,' answered Jodie. 'They're watch dogs'!