Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

Awh! They won't hurt ya - even the kids play with them over here

[RatDog]

That Look to be a fair size Critter there ! ( Too much sun ? )

Gorilla Removal

Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages and looked up "Gorilla Removal."

I called the only listing.
A man quickly arrived and removed the followng equipment from his truck: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun.

As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all that stuff.
The man replied: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the
roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick.
When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him."

I asked, "What about the gun?"

The man handed the gun to me and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof.
If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua!"

[RatDog]

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something
really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,
they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had
done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you
keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive
and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that
I've forgiven and forgotten."

[RatDog]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS


Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

[RatDog]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his
chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using
everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does
not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting
to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class
however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he
could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[RatDog]

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Forty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong
with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer
visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being
gyped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

[RatDog]

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same
stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as
guilty.

"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You
repeat."

[RatDog]

A young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy
restaurant. While studying the menu she asked, "What's filet
mignon?"

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver.
Why?"

[RatDog]

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between
your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

[BAGHAG999]

Lifted from one of todays papers.

I pulled into the crowded car park at the local shoping centre and rolled down the windows to make sure my Labrador retreiver pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full out on the back seat and i wanted to impress to her that she must remain there.
I walked backwards to the curb, ponting my finger at the car and saying emphatically Now you stay.
Do you hear me stay stay.
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blond, gave me a strange look and said; Why dont you just put it in neutral?