Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Three elderly couples were having tea one day.

They were chatting when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!”

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!

This got an even bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.

He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Another Old Plumbers Joke!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so
the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh, killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females,” he replied.

“How can you tell them apart?” she asked.

“Easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.”

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

LOGIC

Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400. Correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No.
Husband: Where's your airplane?

[sucadot]

Just like any other day, Paddy was bragging to his boss, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone famous, and I know them."

Tired of this Irishman's never ending boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Paddy, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Paddy and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Paddy! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, the boss tells Paddy that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Paddy boasts, "I told you that I know everyone."

"President Obama," the boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Paddy says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Paddy on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Paddy, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Paddy, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Paddy. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Paddy and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Paddy says to his boss "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Paddy emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Paddy returns, he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Paddy asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who is that on the balcony with Paddy?"

[moonwitch]