Clean Humor Thread

[poppa501]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[RatDog]

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Good One !


Witty Quotes

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. - Helen Keller

People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. - Bob Dylan

The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. - Anonymous.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix

I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. - Norman Thomas

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. - Bertrand Russell

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

[suesjools]

LOL! I just love Groucho Marx!

Best wishes for many sales to all,

[PATRIOT73]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[poppa501]

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened
to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."

[RatDog]

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

[RatDog]

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening.
Finally losing patience shortly after midnight,
he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."

[RatDog]

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[RatDog]

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii,
when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander.
We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less
knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken
to explain what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand,
he sighed and said,
"Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."

[RatDog]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."