Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

My new geetar effects pedal!



But then - it was released on April 1st.

[Oldandintheway]

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counsellor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”

[Oldandintheway]

A girl was visiting her friend, who had just acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were.

The friend responded by saying one was named Rolex and other one was named Timex.

The girl remarked, “Whoever heard of naming your dog something like that?”

“Hellooooo …,” answered the friend. “They’re watch dogs!”

[meebo1]

I am glad you didn't mention that the dog owner was blond

[sewmuchtosee]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"


God replied:

"Sorry but I didn't recognize you!"

[Oldandintheway]

I am glad you didn't mention that the dog owner was blond

It was VERY tempting (but I resisted)

[Oldandintheway]

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex with one another?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

[sucadot]

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

"I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

"Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

"Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

"A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

"I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

[Oldandintheway]

Not Looking Forward to Winter

[Oldandintheway]

I JUST discovered my age group!
I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own ipad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they
aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to
recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure
on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a
memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
So please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.