Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He
says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do
it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says,
"Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came
over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2
more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend,
where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman’s pocket”.

[Oldandintheway]

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English.

So he tried to fake his own kidnapping.

The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, “We has your son.

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

I've been busy!

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

I know which branch I'd rather be in!

[Oldandintheway]

A British general had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Islands crisis. Upon returning to England, three soldiers who had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the general’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,’ the general began, ‘I can’t give you any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. Well start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sir!”

General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches, which comes to 140 pounds.”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches, which comes to 144 pounds.”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinkie, sir!”

General: “That’s a strange and modest request, son, but as you wish!

The general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinkie?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Islands, sir!”

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

[Oldandintheway]

Women
A real woman is man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after
a bad day.
She will enable him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible........
No wait.....Sorry.....
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff!