Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping,

a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

[RatDog]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to
be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President
some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were
standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what
would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless
people." Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have
to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over
to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my
driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to
the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you
can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me
straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the
$50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[WiccaBasketUK]

I have to admit to not getting that - but then politics is beyond me

Penni

[PATRIOT73]

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

[shezz]

I have to look on this thread all the time

a good chuckle does you the world of good lol lol

[RatDog]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

[sucadot]

"I think my wages are frozen," one worker said to another.

"When I opened my pay envelope, a little light went on."

[HerMajesty]

Thanks for posting the grins!!

[RatDog]

Thanks for posting the grins!!

Your Very Welcome !

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Naw , I play bridge with the wife."

[RatDog]

Why College is Different from High School
*
In high school, you do homework.
In college you study.
*
No food is allowed in the hall in high school.
In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
*
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder ;
in college on both.
*
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
*
In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
*
In high school, you have to live with your parents.
In college, you get to live with your friends.
*
In high school, you're told what classes to take.
In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
*
In high school, if you mess up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it.
In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
*
In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration;
in college, by the pranksters from the dorms.
*
In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade even than your high school final exams did. (Just to share: Kristin's Bio class: 30% midterm 1, 30% midterm 2, 40% final; Soc class: 10% section grade, 40% midterm, 50% final, etc.. ..etc..)
*
In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back.
In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
*
In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
*
In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
*
In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... .uh, sick that day.
*
In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
*
In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.