Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

Oh Well - it's that time of year again (soon) - Guess who's bin norty!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCUUw2PRxh0

[Oldandintheway]

I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.

“What type of pie is Herman’s?” I asked the waiter.

“Apple,” he said.

“Then why is it called Herman’s pie?”

“Because Herman ordered it yesterday.”

[Oldandintheway]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

[Oldandintheway]

A woman who loved art, was going on a two week cruise.

She hired an artist, & asked him to paint a mural on her living room wall while she was away.
He was to paint his thoughts of what Custer’s last thoughts were.

When she returned two weeks later & walked in the house, there was a huge painting of a cow with a halo over its head, & a bunch of Indians, picking cotton.
She flew into a rage, “WHAT IS THIS”?

Well you wanted me to paint what Custer’s last thoughts were.

He was thinking, “HOLY COW, LOOK AT ALL THOSE COTTON PICKING INDIANS.”

[Oldandintheway]

Q - How many ears does Captain James Kirk have?

A - 3

The left ear, the right ear & -

the final front ear!

[Oldandintheway]

This could make his eyes water!

[Oldandintheway]

I recently got involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell, the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...

They're just sluggish.

Okay... give it a minute... let it soak in.

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.”

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him