Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

ON FRIDAYS, I FISH!!!!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Oldandintheway]

An old lady limped into the doctor's office.
She was wearing rubber boots and a raincoat. The doctor said, "How may I help you?"

She said, "every time I go out in the rain
I get this rash between my legs that is very painful."

He told her to get into a dressing gown and to lie up on the table.
He lifted the gown and said, "I think we can cure your problem."

He grabbed a large pair of shears, and for the next 3 minutes she heard snip-snip, snip-snip.
He told her to get down off the table and walk around the room.

She did, and immediately said, "Doc, I feel wonderful.
All the soreness is gone...What did you do?"

He said, "I cut the top 2 inches off your boots!"

[Oldandintheway]

Do you think the kiddies will be upset

[meebo1]

That depends on if they like grapes.

[bluebedouin]

My daughter received a box of Ferrero Rocher one Christmas from her Auntie,who has a wicked sense of humour.She had unwrapped all the chocolates & replaced them with sprouts.Daughter was not best pleased!

[HerMajesty]

[Oldandintheway]

My daughter received a box of Ferrero Rocher one Christmas from her Auntie,who has a wicked sense of humour.She had unwrapped all the chocolates & replaced them with sprouts.Daughter was not best pleased!

Oh dear! - what a great joke! (I might try that)
BUT - I don't blame your daughter! - hope she got even?

That reminds me of a joke my bro played on a late old Uncle of ours, who was the jokester of the family, & the one who rarely (if ever) got caught.

The Uncle, told us that someone kept ringing him at odd occasions, sometimes late at night, wanting to leave a message for "Bill" -
This went on for some weeks & the Uncle was getting mighty sick of it, to say the least. (as he didn't know any "Bill")
Bro kept this info in his memory bank & several months later, rang our Uncle up late one night & said - "this is Bill, are their any messages for me?"
WELL - I can't commit to print here, the kind of blue language that came down the phone line, before the Uncle realised who was at the other end. Got 'im a bewdy!

[Oldandintheway]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Oldandintheway]

Indian Wisdom

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe.
They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these bums. They have come to steal your land.”