✿ Kimbo's Alternative FAQ ✿

[Gill]

cough, cough, splutter, splutter! Excellent thread kimbo but now you owe me a glass of wine!

I'm off to refill my glass!

[wyocowgirl1]

Kimbo's Alternative FAQ

Q. Does anything ever sell on eBid?
A. No. Due to a strange configuration of wormholes in eBid Towers it is only possible to buy items, not sell them. This being the case you might as well give up now and just buy things. You are welcome to start with mine.

Q. Why do the PSU listing figures keep going up and down?
A. They're tidal. If you check the numbers when eBid's tide is out, the total will be much lower. If you look when eBid Towers is exactly in line with the sun this is a "spring tide" and it will be lowest of all. Come back later, it looks better at high tide.

Q. Why does eBid keep taking money from my account for my subscription?
A. eBid has been really sneaky here - they have used a meaning of subscription that is defined exactly as "subscription", thus sneaking a subscription past you by disguising it as merely a subscription. Clever, or wot?

Q. Why haven't I seen any advertisements for eBid?
A. They are invisible. eBid has a massive multi-million pound advertising budget, but they don't like to be brash, being English gentlemen of the the first water, so they have insisted on all adverts being invisible. Anywhere you see a blank space there is probably an eBid banner there.

Q. I haven't sold anything, what am I doing wrong?
A. Everything. Hope that helps. Have a nice day.


Q. Why-do-my-titles*get_split-into?chunks?eBid*WOW-puts-in-spaces-L@@K-that-are*not*supposed*to-be-there!
A. That's because eBid management are not insane.

Q. Why can't I put an auction start price on my item?
A. There are certain rituals you must follow in order to set an auction start price (as opposed to fixed price). 1. You must recite out loud "I implore the gods of eBid to look favourably upon my auction start price, all hail the eBid gods". 2. You must wear at least one piece of purple clothing and one of green. 3. You must stand and turn widdershins three times, while holding your left arm up with the fist clenched to look like an auctioneer's gavel. 4. You must de-select "run till sold".

Q. Why can't I see a thumbnail picture on my auctions?
A. The first 10 auctions you start with a thumbnail the pictures are displayed on www.hotchickswithnodrawerson.com in case you have accidentally selected the wrong pictures from your hard drive.

Q. My buyer hasn't paid, what can I do?
A. Do not send the item. Do not leave positive feedback. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.

Q. Why is lifetime membership half the price in US compared to the price in UK?
A. Because the US is so much smaller than the UK. You could fit the whole of the US into West Sussex. If you moved West Sussex out of the way first, of course. There are only six people in the whole of America, and they share a computer. This being the case, it wouldn't be fair to charge them the full price.

Q. Where's my free t-shirt?
A. In the wash.

Q. I need to talk to somebody at eBid, how do I contact them?
A. There are two main methods. 1. Try screaming in the forums. Stamp your feet. Declare the site to be complete rubbish, the owners crooks, and theaten them with your invisible lawyer - that usually works pretty well. If that fails then... 2. Invest in a ouija board, and remember it's *one* knock for no, *two* for yes. Don't get those confused.

Anything else you want to know, just ask. ;o)

LOL! ROFL! Thanks Kimbo, I needed that! You forgot - Will someone look at my ads and tell me what I'm doing wrong, I haven't sold anything since I joined at daybreak today.

[bykimbo]

LOL! ROFL! Thanks Kimbo, I needed that! You forgot - Will someone look at my ads and tell me what I'm doing wrong, I haven't sold anything since I joined at daybreak today.

No I didn't.
Q. I haven't sold anything, what am I doing wrong?
A. Everything. Hope that helps. Have a nice day.

See?

[lejoueurdepipeau]

Have you been at the Cabernet Sauvignon AGAIN!!???

[moonwitch]

Very very clever~ but are you quite sure those in charge are not insane?

I took particular offence at the suggestion that the eBid bosses are not insane

I am the only sane one here

[bykimbo]

Have you been at the Cabernet Sauvignon AGAIN!!???

No.


For it to be "again", I'd have to have stopped the first time.

[lejoueurdepipeau]

I like to take a cheeky little Muscadet sevre et maine sur lie intravenously myself!!

[shabbird]

LOL nice one.

[bykimbo]

Q. I've been here ages and haven't sold anything!!!
A. That's not really a question is it? But while you're here... I appreciate that when you're only twelve a fortnight seems like a long time, but trust me when you reach my age you'll realise it's barely an eye-blink.

Q. Can you look at my stores?
A. Yes, thanks.

Q. Where should I list this stuffed camel?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.

Q. How much is this stuffed camel worth?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.

Q. Where's this stuffed camel from?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.

Q. What sells best on eBid?
A. Stuffed camels, apparently.

Q. Why was my listing removed?
A. You listed a seasonal item, out of season. The owners of eBid are true British gentlemen, as was mentioned in part 1, and wouldn't dream of allowing the hoi polloi to sell out of season. That's worse than poachers. Floggin's too good for 'em. If you don't know when the season starts and ends for your item, buy Debrett's Guide - you can get it on Buddy Auction along with a tweed jacket and some good brogues.

Q. How do I migrate my eBay listings to eBid?
A. A fake marriage is probably safest. Don't forget to learn her favourite perfume, people always forget that one.

Q. What's Repatoo?
A. It's the sequel to Repa, made with a cheaper cast and a director you've never heard of. Don't bother, not even with extras on the special edition DVD.

Q. Why green and purple?
A. It's not. It's lime and blackcurrant. See how much nicer it looks now you know that?

Q. Why shouldn't I use ALL CAPITALS in my titles?
A. Server space is expensive and the BIG LETTERS use up more pixels and cost eBid extra to store. If you keep using CAPITALS all the time, they will have to start charging listing fees.

Q. How do I get my items into Google Shopping?
A. Practice. Oh, sorry, that's the punchline to a different joke!

[ejean9]

rofl..i have just seen part one..and two..both are superb...i must have missed it when i was on holiday..best laff for ages..
ifyou dont see ma for a bit..its cos im off changing all my CAPITALS to lowercase..and searching for a box that will fit my stuffed camel..