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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #981
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

    "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

  2. #982
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    This morning I told my wife that I had dreamed I was walking on a sandy beach. She said, "Well, that explains the footprints in the cat litter box".

  3. #983

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Oldandintheway View Post
    This morning I told my wife that I had dreamed I was walking on a sandy beach. She said, "Well, that explains the footprints in the cat litter box".
    So glad I have a cover on mine!! Thanks for the laughs!!

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Enjoy!

    This morning I told my wife I had dreamed I ate the biggest marshmallow in the world. She said "Well, that explains why I can't find your pillow!"


  5. #985
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

    The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

    The idiot says, "Okay."

    The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

    The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.

    The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

    The idiot hands over $5.
    [SIGPIC]
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Never underestimate a person

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by meebo1 View Post
    Never underestimate a person
    Or penguin .....

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    [SIGPIC]
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  8. #988
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Don't like the neighbours!

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  9. #989
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
    after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

    The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

    Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

    Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute
    the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up
    and finished in less than a minute.

    Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
    wondered how he could have gotten an “A+” when he had barely written
    anything at all.

    His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"
    Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
    After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
    After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
    The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!"

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