Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

[sucadot]

Amanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat - do not talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Amanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "OK Spike! Get him!"

[Oldandintheway]

Ya like the new sprinkler!

[Oldandintheway]

[bluebedouin]

What do you call an extremely fast chocolate truffle?





















A Ferrari rocher.

[Oldandintheway]

What do you call an extremely fast chocolate truffle?





















A Ferrari rocher.

Good one!

[Oldandintheway]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.
THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED
THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD
THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG
GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU
OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF
STARTED HOPPING AROUND..... EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD
STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS
SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO."
--------------------------------------------------

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[sucadot]

What a beat cop deals with every day:

• A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail carrier.

• A woman said her son was attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.

• A resident said someone had entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.

• A man reported that a squirrel was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.

[Oldandintheway]

That'd work!

[Oldandintheway]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin & computing skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"The child will surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"

"Doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."