Clean Humor Thread

[meebo1]

Poor squirrel. They get in such a panic when they think they are trapped

[sucadot]

A tramp knocks on the door of the St George and Dragon Inn. The landlady answers.

"Could you give a poor man something to eat?" the tramp asks.

"No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later the tramp knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks.

"Could I have a few words with George?"

[Oldandintheway]

[sucadot]

[Oldandintheway]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6-foot-4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbour piped up, “Your husband is 5-foot-6, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants him back?”

[sucadot]

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents -


Mum: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mum: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mum, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mum: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.


~~~~~~~~~


Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mum: WTF!

Daughter: Mum, what do you think WTF means?

Mum: Well That’s Fantastic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Mum: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mum: OK, I will ask your sister.

[meebo1]

I think I am that mum

[Oldandintheway]

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

[olivia8143]

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

I love this one. I'm going to nick it. (I might even try it out lol)

[meebo1]

What a good idea, Olivia