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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #921
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    “Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date – can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”

    Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror and headed outside to wait for the guy.

    Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

    Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.”

    “No problem!” said her date with a big grin, “In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

  2. #922
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Today, my wife said to me, "Honey, get off your ass and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!"

    "Well, as you all know, at my age, I and most of my friends are retired and do have the time to address such "Honeydos"....
    So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.

    One is a sheet metal worker.
    One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.
    One brought beer and Nachos.
    One brought a grill and burgers.

    Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.

    As usual, the wife is still not happy!!

    Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!
    Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.

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  3. #923
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    My kind of Plumbing!

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  4. #924
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

    One day, while pointing to a little boy’s ear, the doctor asked him, “Is this your nose?”

    The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mum, I think we’d better find a new doctor"

  5. #925
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Not the morning coffee!

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  6. #926
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

    “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”

    “What about that eye patch?”

    “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and suddenly my eye was filled with bird droppings”

    “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”

    “It was my first day with the hook.”

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Sign on a door: - Push. If that doesn't work. Pull. If that doesn't work. We're closed.

    In front of a church: Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

    In the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

    Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

    Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

    On a plumber's van: We repair what your husband fixed.

  8. #928
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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    [SIGPIC]
    view my listings here





  9. #929
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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  10. #930
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    went t'visit m'mate from joxland
    found him in his lounge stripping wallpaper off
    i asked "ya redecorating jox"
    nae lad moving hus he replied
    Last edited by PATRIOT73; 5th August 2017 at 01:13 PM.
    "WALKING IS DEFINITELY OVERRATED"

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