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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #81
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked

    "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."

    I looked inside and was amused to see...

    an electric can opener!

  2. #82
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

    They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

    Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

    Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

    Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items - the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

    Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


    Dear Maggie,

    I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
    are easier to remove).

    These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

    I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

    Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year..

    I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

    All my love,

    Chris

    P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

  3. #83
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Don't know if this has been on the forum before (it seems familiar!) but my cuz just sent it and it made me LOL, so here goes:





    WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

    My mother taught me RELIGION .
    'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

    My mother taught me LOGIC .
    ' Because I said so, that's why.'

    My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
    you're not going to the store with me.'

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

    My mother taught me IRONY.
    'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
    'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

    My mother taught me about STAMINA
    'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

    My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'

    My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'

    My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'

    My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

    My mother taught me HUMOUR .
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

    My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

    My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'

    My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

    My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

    My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
    Nancy
    Ceud měle f?*ilte!
    ‘A hundred thousand welcomes!’



    http://uk.ebid.net/stores/BARGAIN-BROWSER

    GENERAL STORE


  4. #84
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by islandbuckman View Post
    A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

    They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

    Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

    Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

    Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items - the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

    Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


    Dear Maggie,

    I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
    are easier to remove).

    These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

    I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

    Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year..

    I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

    All my love,

    Chris

    P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
    ROFLMAO!!! That is BRILLIANT! pmsl!!!!!!
    Nancy
    Ceud měle f?*ilte!
    ‘A hundred thousand welcomes!’



    http://uk.ebid.net/stores/BARGAIN-BROWSER

    GENERAL STORE


  5. #85
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    *It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

    *"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

    *"What are my choices?" he asked.

    *"Yes or no," she replied.

  6. #86
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.

    *"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

    *"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

    *"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."



  7. #87
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die
    in a skydiving accident.

    She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How
    many is a brazilian?"

  8. #88
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A nun went into a West End pub and ordered a double gin.

    "Pardon?" said the surprised bartender.

    "You heard," replied the nun. "And I want 20 cigarettes as well."

    The nun then proceeded to pull up her habit and take a Ł10 note from the top of her stocking.

    "Well!" exclaimed the landlord, "this is the first time a nun has ever come into my pub".

    "And this is the first time I've had the boot from The Sound of Music" retorted the nun.
    [SIGPIC]
    view my listings here





  9. #89
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    ** Things that you should know by now **

    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away a week before you need it.

    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

    If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

    People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.

    You should not confuse your career with your life.

    Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    Never lick a steak knife.

    The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

    You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.

    The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers and have a sense of humour

    A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    Your friends love you anyway.

    Never be afraid to try something new.
    Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
    A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

  10. #90
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

    It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

    The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

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