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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #881
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.”
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no ark.

    “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”
    “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

    “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the development appeal board for a decision.

    “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

    “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!

    “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal-rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

    “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

    “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the human rights commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

    “Immigration and naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than five cubits.

    “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.
    “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

    “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this ark.”

    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

    “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”


  2. #882

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I had a few chuckles...Thanks everyone!
    'Welcome to my art studio. Always open

    'http://uk.ebid.net/items/pamelajonesart

  3. #883
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Why can’t you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

    They always take things literally.

  4. #884
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

    "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

    After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

  5. #885
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Aussie product testing! X someone with way too much time on his hands.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq6T5BojXc8

  6. #886
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread


  7. #887
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”


  8. #888
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A little quip from the British guitar icon Hank Marvin, recounting a sign in a guitar shop in Perth, Australia where he now lives.

    "My greatest fear is that when I die, my wife will sell my guitar collection for what I told her I paid for them."


  9. #889
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
    'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
    I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked
    him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or
    I'll kick the tar out of all of you!'

    St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
    'Couple of minutes ago.'

  10. #890
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A young boy on his way to school one morning passed the outhouse by the pond behind his home.

    All of a sudden he got a wild urge to push the outhouse into the pond, so with a running start he knocked it over and watched it roll a few times then slowly sink under the surface as he ran off toward school.

    In class that day, they learned about how George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but when confronted about it he told his father the truth and thus did not get a whipping for the deed. So he decided to use this strategy if questioned about the outhouse when he got home.

    As he approached his house, he saw his father on the porch brandishing a big switch.

    When he got close enough his father said, “Boy, I’m only gonna ask this one time … what do you know about the outhouse getting pushed into the pond?”

    The boy swallowed hard and said, “Dad, just as George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but decided to tell the truth, I must admit to you that I pushed the outhouse into the pond.”

    With that his father grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and began to give him a good ole country whippin’. The boy cried out, “But Dad, George Washington’s dad didn’t whip him!”

    “Yes son,” the father replied, “that is true, but George Washington’s dad was not IN the cherry tree when he cut it down!”

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